Demisexual and Proud

demi flag

I believe we should love the whole of ourselves. Then, being comfortable and safe, we can and should reach out to the world around us and love others. Sexuality has a large impact on how you love, so I believe it’s essential to explore out and know enough about yourself to build healthy and lasting relationships.

I am demisexual. I cannot and will not ever be sexually attracted to anyone to whom I am not already attached. That makes for a small pool of people. I am far more likely to notice people for their interesting minds (intellectual attraction) and how they strike me as a living piece of art (aesthetic attraction), which may develop in a wish to get to know them better, beginnings of trust and, sometimes, a wish to court someone (romantic attraction) and a pressing desire to touch in affection (sensual attraction).

The first person I came out to was God. I am Christian. I believe he accepted me wholesale, sexuality included, and this meant a lot to me. It made it safe to come out to family and, if the occasion arises, friends.

I grew up in a culture that was very open about sexuality (The Netherlands) which meant I escaped a lot of the shame, erasure, disdain and barriers that other people encounter when exploring their sexuality. My church of origin (PKN, the Protestant Church of the Netherlands) was open about accepting LGBT folks, which meant I have an easier time reconciling my faith and sexuality than most. I started this blog in part because I have those priviledges and hope that in speaking of it, I crack open the door for someone else to experience a sense of sexual freedom too.

The other part of the reason was that I still struggled with a shift in sexual orientation. For me, most of that came out of my own insecurities, a wider culture that made me aware that I wasn’t generally accepted and, more recently, the more conservative church I’ve started attending. A change in identity, even for someone who is free, is not without price, does not come all at once, and still requires at least some personal reflection.

Nevertheless, I have enjoyed  a life lived in sexual freedom. Discovering my demisexuality brought me closer to myself and being able to be open about that part of myself is wonderful. I wish that for everybody, so, the blog. Hopefully someone, somewhere will be a little bit encouraged while I stumble around working through my issues and counting the blessings that come my way.

Thanks for reading.

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