Queer In My Dress

This is my contribution to August’s Carnival of Aces, about “deviant identities”, hosted by The Demi Deviant.

Queer In My Dress

I am queer in my purple dress
Pressed between postmodern sexuality
And the outdated marriage myth

I am, willfully not wanting sex,
Faultline in the fiction of virginity
I am queer in my blue dress

Am I lacking? people ask, perplexed
A woman divorced from intimacy,
Dating and the marriage myth?

Truth is, my desire is more complex
For company, beauty, sensuality
I am queer in my red dress

As the third wave wanes, I need to address
How asexuality clashes with
The outdated marriage myth

I want love with no regard for sex
A partner who sees I am not less
To be queer in my bridal dress
Let’s update the marriage myth

This started out exploring a deviant (queer) aspect of my asexuality and ended up trying to express how queer (weird, outlandish, new, upsetting, estranging) asexuality itself can be. Particularly an aspect I don’t often see explored: that asexuality upsets both traditional and modern ideas about sexuality, often at the same time.

In its simplest form, I think choosing to identify as (some shade of) asexual and daring to say “no, I do not feel sexual attraction like that” combines and subverts

a) the traditional ideal of lust or sex as a morally ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thing

b) the modern ideal of everyone having a natural sexuality that is inherently human

c) the queer ideal of affirming your orientation through sexual acts

by claiming

a) absence of lust is a neutral state of being rather than a purity or innocence that can be preserved or lost; sexual activity is optional at all times, rather than forbidden or required at any time.

b) our motivations and experiences are more complicated than (mutual) sexual attraction leading to consensual sexual activity, orgasms, falling in love and sexual-romantic relationships.

c) queerness can be complex and comprise a multifaceted orientation and gender identity that has very little, if anything, to do with sexual acts.

Even as I write this I am aware I am already simplifying by focusing on the above as flowing from an asexual identity above any other.

Yet still, here is my demisexual-panromantic-monoamorous* deviant little fantasy, to wish to find and legalise a longlasting partnership and celebrate that with my community, without having to submit to the strictures society still imposes on that institution.

Oh, and go full femme on the day.

Today, at least.

I might dream of wearing a three-piece steampunk period costume tomorrow. Who knows.

*Since both polyamory and the newly-coined nonamory** are common in the ace community and I came across the word ambiamory*** (someone who can go for either monogamous or polyamorous relationships), I figure we’d clean up the vocab and go for monoamory as the correct word for the majority option on that list/spectrum. Also, also, I think we need a word for the grey area (greyamory? demiamory? semiamory?) between disinterest in relationships (nonamory) and interest in relationships, whether one or multiple (alloamory?).

**Relative, it’s been around a few years, I didn’t know it until this year. I like the new terms cropping up in the a-spec community, especially the ones that are useful. Can you tell I like words? I really like good words.

***Can’t find the original article but here’s a Rolling Stone article referencing the same research, which, actually, also uses monoamorous in its abstract.

About demiandproud

I am a demisexual Christian Dutchwoman who explores the vagaries of what the intersection of those identities means. On my main blog I post a few times a month, my favourite being participating in the Carnival of Aces. I'm exploring writing about my orientation elsewhere. The pride flag in my profile picture was created with 4 eye pencils (black, purple, silver and white).

Posted on August 6, 2019, in carnival of aces, Creative writing, Demisexual satisfaction and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Hey, I just noticed you haven’t posted anything in ages! Everything okay?

    Like

  1. Pingback: Carnival of Aces August 2019 Round Up: Deviant Identities – The Demi Deviant

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The Demi Deviant

Demisexual, Demiromantic, Agenderflux Kinkster

The Asexual Agenda

Furthering upper-level discussions of asexuality

A Carnival of Aros

An Aromantic / Aro-Spec Blogging Carnival

Queering Closeness

Thoughts on the intersection of aromantic and polyamorous experiences

The Dancing Trans

A nonbinary dancer navigating the complexities of dance and society

A Space For Me

Sometimes, I have a lot to say

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