My Sexuality, Today

The best part of growing up now, especially as a woman? It is alright to have whatever life you want, as long as it does more good than harm, and we grow up with parents who live like that too. Our dads read bedtime stories. Brothers and sisters share equally in household chores. All that can, can go to college, have a career. We can explore what sex we want to have and have what we want.

The sexual revolution…

…didn’t give women the freedom to have sex. It gave women the freedom of consent. I spoke to a lady who regularly travels to Africa, and the miracle she brings to girls there, when she gives sex ed, isn’t that white women have sex outside of marriage. It’s the idea that women say no to men unless they reciprocrate the sexual desire. That to have gone through puberty isn’t an open invitation for any and all to take advantage. That nothing is owed. That their body is theirs. Before and after marriage.

Sexual freedom…

…takes on another meaning when you are asexual, demisexual or not sexually active for other reasons. It is socially accepted to have sex. I’m also happy I live in a country where it is socially accepted that one can have sex with either gender, since part of not really having a sex drive during adolescence was that it was rather open-ended what sexuality I’d turn out to have if I ever did start wanting to have sex. It took away some of the angst. If you are not sexually active, though, you are invisible. I’ve rarely talked about the not-having with friends. I don’t even really know why. I’m lucky I can talk to my family. That I have, at the very least, the fundamental right to determine that I have sex, is important, in the face of that.

Sexual consent…

…was something I took for granted until I travelled outside the western world. I wasn’t in love, so I was not in a relationship. I was not in lust, so I did not have sex. It was that simple to me and to my family. It is that simple to most of my friends, I am happy to say. I hope it’s that simple for you too. Not so in other countries. There, women my age (twenty, at the time), felt the same pressure for marriage, and thus sex, that I only experienced when I thought about getting a job. Growing up, earning a living, being independent was enough pressure. I shuddered to feel the same pressure to find a partner. But then, returning to the western world with open eyes, it seems like there is that same social pressure, not to marry, but to have sex, definitely. And it startled me how hard it was for women to refuse without being ridiculed, once I started paying more attention.

Sexual attention…

…seems alien. I cycle past a giant bill-board of larger-than-life six-pack abs and all I think is, “geesh, photoshopped, much?” I look at Thor, and agree he has dreamy biceps, but not until the third time I’ve rewatched the movie, and I thorougly approve of his character. I can’t tell at all if I am attractive to people. I’m guessing not, because I’m rarely cat-called and I do not reflect the aesthetic ideal one bit. I was stared at, when I travelled, but I’m still not sure whether that was because I was white or because I was a woman. Since I’m not able to objectify anybody sexually until I know them well personally I never really understood how anybody else could. I know it’s possible, but I’m able to understand four-dimensional reality better than sexual objectification.

Body image…

…is as much an issue for me as it is for the general population. Sorry guys, the pressure to be thin and diet and hatred of yourself and seeing yourself through the eyes of a virtual onlooker… nothing really sexual about that. Just pop-culture brainwashing. That’s why eight-year-olds get as insecure about their bodies as adults do. How do I know? Been there, done that, with zero sexual drive. Been there, done that, with the sexual drive online. Been able to accept my body, without changing it a whit, with the sexual drive online too. Exactly because I started exploring myself and owning my sexual identity. Because I’ve felt the difference between leafing through a magazine and walking around an exhibit of half-naked women painted in the seventeenth century. The first was depressing. The latter was empowering.

Women’s rights…

…are so important and I came across it a lot during my search for what other women do when it comes to sex. I think it’s very important that women do not legally become like children when they marry (since 1950s) and rape is illegal even inside marriage (1980s) and sexual slavery is forbidden (since 2004, in the US). I think it’s very important that I can do with my body what I like, especially since I started wanting sex long after I would have had to marry in earlier centuries and other countries. I love that there’s more attention for the exploration of female sexual body parts, because stimulating my clitoris works, my vagina doesn’t do anything for me. Wouldn’t have known to try that, a decade or two ago. I like that there’s way more female writers who produce good sex, romance and erotica, and the female audience that demands it, since I need emotion to go with my sex, in fiction, and that just very often doesn’t happen in porn. I like that there’s more women in fiction, because reading early science fiction books where women just… don’t exist… is deeply creepy.

Feminism…

…is very important for one reason for demisexuals, specifically: genders mix much more. I am able to meet and know guys socially and professionally in ways I wouldn’t have a hundred years ago. It’s alright to be in a room together, because you’re all able to treat other people as people. Since genders mix, men and women are much more comfortable in each other’s company. Less posturing, less rules, less bullshit. Much more that you’re able to do in your life in general. This way of living, meeting and mixing as people with little regard as to whether you’re a man or a woman… that’s how the world is when you’re demisexual. People are just people. Gender is as relevant as someone’s choice of shirt, 99% of the time.

Until I know someone personally, sexual attraction doesn’t even really register, and that goes much deeper, and has much more fundamental consequences than just not wishing to have casual sex. I hope I’ve been able to show what that’s like, just a little.

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Posted on May 15, 2015, in Personal reflection and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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